Jolly-man Dreams

so Santa, right?

yea.

Santa.


i remember a moment when i was eleven or twelve, it was around christmas time, it was late.
The tree was glowing bright. One of my favorite things has been christmas trees. In fact, our christmas tree here at the apartment is still up as we speak, even though none of us are actualy speaking...
Anyway, it was late. I think I felt it coming on the air, i felt something creaping and was scared to death of it.

a plate of cookies sat stout and full with a whitewashed glass of milk unmoving, slightly chilled
the stone fireplace was cold.
so was the world outside.
and so were the cookies bright.

again,
i think i could feel it coming on the wind... i knew it...
and i started crying.
it was dark, and sneaking nearer even as new tears flowed.

"i believe in you... i believe in you... i believe in you..."
i told the man in the sky, flying high, heavenly sleigh piled deep with treasures
for me



sometimes Santas cookies would have little bites out of them.
sometimes the carrots would dissapear during the night.
sometimes there would be mouthmarks in milk on the glass.
and always, i'd be exited.

i remember waiting up one night, or being determined to stay up, and see him come.

i cared about him.








but Santa never seemed to care for me.

he never talked to me.
never came by to see me.
never let me "in"

and always wrapped my presents with my parents wraping paper.



that night i was determined to keep believing in him.
and i dont remember when i stopped, but i did. it was subtle and unnoticed, my fall from grace.

Santa left my life.
Winter continued to grow inside me like a root, cold and gleaming, white and thick.
Santa shriveled away.

I grew away into winter and things that are just bigger and earthier.

Theres this lady i heard of once, Julia Sweeny, who does these monologue things that are really neat. I'ts called Letting Go of God, and it will mess you up. so beware.
She whent through a thing that was just likle me and Santa. It sounds really the same.
Except with God.


Elves are lies. Flying sleighs are lies.


And i cant tell you why God is different than Santa, at least in a simple phrase,
but i'm sure gonna try.




Santa never touched me. Santa never talked to me.
My parents seemed to have this IN with him, they organized my presents to be delivered to my dad's house a week early when i'd be there with him, and told me interesting things about the ins and outs of Santadome.
honestly, Santa was their thing.
and i just accepted it, cause obveously, if my parents think this thing is real, it must be.
but i guess the trouble was i started thinking.

i weighed him and found him wanting.




Santa is this thing that no one really believes in but everyone pretends to believe cause its a nice idea, a kind idea, its a thing that brings hope and peace, or at lest it's supposed to.
It is a part of the American Religion, just like evolution and the Easter Bunny, and McDonalds. Walmart is also an American staple of patriotism. As ecential as Holy Eucarist. Cheap is good, after all, and if it's cheap, it must not be hurting anyone, right?
Christianity is in there too. It's something that alot of people dont really believe in, but millions pretend to cause its a nice idea, a kind idea, its a thing that brings hope and peace, or at least it's supposed to.
Just as charming
and just as fake
as

all

those other things.


There is no Christianity. There is no Santa. There is no imporance or wholeness or completeness that you will get from a 99 cent extra value meal. There is nothing that really lasts to be found in slashed prices.

And even though God is alot like Santa, those Jolly-man Dreams never made me really take a good long look at my junk and then help me figure out how to grow out of it. and neither does Walmart. When i step in stores like that or see a plastic(Hollow) glowing santa in a yard, i feel like i can forget everything. I feel like its ok to just buy or believe in an idea, or whatever, and not worry about what's wrong with me. Whats wrong with the world I'm in. I dont care about Walmart ripping thousands of people from their right to life, and life abundantly, cause i get a really good deal out of the whole thing.


I want to let santa and Ad campaigns and fast food and seasonaly changing fashions go.
I want to let this wimpy western orthodoxic pansy Christianity go.


I want to know Jesus. I want to be changed forever. And i want to follow him because he doesn't ignore me. He doesn't leave me crying in the middle of the night when all i want to do is believe in him.
He takes me into real painfull stuff on porpose, theres no wrapping the razor in marshmallow fluff, no holding back. He has hurt me deeply. Everything about America says "get comfortable, no payments for three billion years, do what tastes right, you deserve it, be safe, make things sterile and unpassionate, you'll feel much better if you just buy something for that heartache. listen, heres some shoes."
God doesnt let us castrate ourselves like that. he hurts you. and you heal and are so much stronger and wiser. He doesnt make people more perfect, he grows people like trees.
he changes you where it matters.
And he doesnt settle with leaving presents under your glowing idealism.
and he doesnt eat your cookies, either.

i think im done.